Monday, November 19, 2012
A few weeks ago while on my way to The Getty to see the Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit with one of my favorite people in the world, Christine, I told her about my grade school confessions at St. Marrianes. In knowing I had to go to confession, I found myself filled with anxiety not because of the ‘bad’ things I had done, but because I was good kid and didn’t really feel the need to confess anything. But how could I possibly sit amongst my classmates and not walk into the dreaded confessional.
What would I tell the priest? Even in confession I lied. I had to come up with some things to tell him. The most often used things were that I lied and had impure thoughts. As I told Christine this, I wondered about what sorts of impure thoughts could an 11 year old possibly have?
Was me thinking about boys naked impure? Was me hating my dad for making me work so hard impure? I think this normal rather than impure. Who’s to determine the impurity of a thought? Isn’t it subjective? One online dictionary defines impure as “not pure or clean, contaminated. Immoral or sinful. Unclean. Rather than confession, it sounds more like I needed a good laundry detergent. Or even a good spanking.
Interestingly enough, I had my last confession around 13 years of age. If anything, these so called impure thoughts happened around this same time once I started masturbating! I can only imagine telling the priest about whacking off 10 times a day and possibly even thinking about him naked while on the other side of the veiled wall.
The piece here is titled, “Mary.” I wonder what sort of impure thoughts she had. Is writing and thinking this impure? If so, at least I know that penance often came with a simple string of Hail Mary’s and possibly one Our Father. Not too shabby for impurity.
As for thoughts, like waves they come and go; they are what they are. But then again, Buddha once said, “What we think, we become.” If this is the case, I’m one dirty son of a bitch! Pardon the language, the impurity. Let me see what else I can think of…
Peace and blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!